Voyage XII – White meat

I’m sitting with the bloody Rat Pack again. Ray pulled me, literally, by the elbow over to their table – on the face of it affable, full of bon-homie, full of whiskey (why does alcohol still work on these people? Maybe it’s just the way they are). I know my face betrays my irritation – I have gathered the courage at last to not try to appear pleased to see them, but they don’t notice, or at least, it doesn’t change their behaviour. Harry looks at me with total... What’s the word? I need the noun of ‘to despise’. Despision? Despisity? I like ‘despision’ – it sounds like a cross between suspicion and derision, which is exactly right in this situation. Harry looks at me with total despision. With Ray, the words that spring to mind are obsequious and condescending. Solly I don’t know what to make of, but I know I don’t feel comfortable around him. These days I notice he’s always watching me, like he’s expecting me to do something wrong, like he doesn’t trust me. Actually I get that from all of them to some extent, like there’s something they expect from me and never get. The other day, we’d been sitting around for a while, playing cards, as usual and Harry said ‘Don’t say much do you.’
Obviously I didn’t reply. He looked at me, apparently waiting.
‘Doesn’t say much does he’ he said to Ray, as if I couldn’t hear him. Uncle Len used to say that to me – ‘Not got much to say for yourself have you.’

Anyway today I am going to try to work out why they are so keen to have me around. I don’t think it’s sexual, whatever Joe says, but it is a bit sleazy. It makes me squirm, and it disturbs the other people around us. What is it?
Just after that last session with Joe I actually came out with it and asked them, straight up, why they want me along and Solly’s face just changed completely. I’ve always felt that, of all of them, he was the one I could talk to, if it came to it. But he put his face right up to mine – he’s quite a bit shorter than me – I hadn’t noticed before, and says ‘Nobody’s forcing you.’ and he looks really angry, jutting his jaw and clenching his teeth. He breaths it in my face, through his teeth. ‘Nobody’s forcing you son’ he says and then steps back, still tense, like he’s ready for a fight. I say nothing. I’m shocked. Ray breaks the tension with a jovial hug ‘Don’t be daft son’ he says. ‘We like you. You make us laugh, doesn’t he Sol...’ and Solly’s face just as suddenly goes back to being his usual cheeky self. Ray puts his arm around my shoulder and steers me back to ‘our favourite table’ and orders champagne, like we’ve got something to celebrate. For a moment I’m flattered – they like having me around. You can’t believe how stupid happy that makes me, but not for long. Soon I sit and wait for it all to change again.

What was that about? I ask myself later. Nobody is forcing me, it’s true. Once again, as usual, it’s because I don’t want to make a scene, don’t want to cause a fuss or embarrass anybody. Ok, that’s not very manly of me, but the fact is, they might well make a scene, it’s quite likely, or who knows what they’d do. They might do anything. They scare me. What they might do scares me. We’re all stuck here on this boat together for I don’t know how long, and I can’t hide in my room the whole voyage. So I go along with it, for a quiet er... after life.

So today I’ll try to work out what’s going on. I’ve never done this before – never tried to think about why other people behave the way they do, or myself for that matter, but since I’ve been going to Joe, well, it’s interesting - human behaviour. Normally, when things got weird before I’d just retreat to my room, go do something on my own. Can’t do that here can I?
I get myself a glass of bubbly – I rather enjoyed it that last time, never had it before.
‘Oh God look at it’ says Harry when he sees my glass, and slaps his cards face down on the table and leans back. ‘Will you have a word with him?’ he says to Liz. He’s using his jolly man-about-town face today. Liz demurs.
‘It’s what he wanted’ says Sol, winking at me. Harry picks his cards up again and begins sorting them. ‘Might as well deal him in’ he says, indicating me, and Ray shuffles and deals.
‘Fucking wogs’ll ruin everything anyway’ says Harry to his cards. I start at the word, but nobody else reacts. I think I missed the first part of the conversation.
‘Well, like I said’ says Solly ‘they’re making a rod for their own backs, fucking Nelson wotsisname. They deserve everything they get.’ and lays his cards down. Everybody huffs and tuts and throws their hands in. Solly picks up all the bottle tops. I put my cards in the pile too. I don’t even know what they were. ‘Your deal’ says Ray to me, chewing his matchstick as usual. Who does he think he is? I take a moment to register. ‘Me?’ I say. Ray passes the deck to me, deliberately roughly, so I drop some.
I pick them up and shuffle them. It’s something I actually can do quite well because I used to do card tricks. This skill, I think, pisses them off more than my incompetence. At any rate, after a few sarcastic comments the first time, they ignore it. I try not to do anything flash, but it’s a habit.
‘Doreen’s their house keeper anyway’ continues Solly. ‘Says this way everybody’s happy.’
‘Course she’s happy. Knows her place.’ says Harry, nodding.
‘She don’t want change. Mol treats them very fair. More than she should, truth be told, but she’s always been like that.’
‘Too soft?’
‘Soft as a brush, but, well, decent, I’d say.’
Harry looks at him sceptically, a little cruelly maybe. I still don’t really know what they’re talking about. He shakes his head and studies his hand.
‘Could happen though’ adds Ray. ‘Look at India.’
‘And what a fucking balls up they made of that’ says Harry. ‘Now look what we’ve got’ and he turns to me, leaning far too close again. ‘I’m from fucking Croydon me, born and bred. Now look at it.’
I haven’t been to Croydon. I don’t know what he means. Am I stupid? I don’t know. Should I understand? What do they mean?
‘What are you looking at?’ he says suddenly to me and shakes his head exasperatedly. ‘What have you got?’ he says impatiently. I look blank. I don’t know what he means. He tips my cards ‘Your cards. What have you got in your hand? Gawd luvvus. Are you with us for fuck’s sake?’
I try to concentrate. I sort my hand, although he must have seen it. I have nothing. ‘I don’t really know Croydon’ I say, randomly rearranging my hand ‘What’s happened to it?’
He looks at me and smiles oddly. ‘I expect your sort’d like it’ he says. ‘Shh’ says Liz and pats his arm weakly.
‘Don’t you shh me. The boy doesn’t know. I’m telling him.’ Liz looks doubtful but accepts it. She can’t do anything anyway. Useless cow. Suddenly I hate her more than any of them, for being so weak, after what he did...
‘Do you eat white meat?’ Says Harry suddenly, his little blue eyes sparking at me from deep among the folds of his raw, bristly skin.
‘What?’
‘Simple question lad’ he says. ‘Do you, or do you not eat white meat?’ Solly smirks. Ray doesn’t react. Liz appears to be weeping a little. Brenda is looking at her cards.
‘What, like pork or chicken?’
‘Of course. What did you think I meant?’
‘Sometimes...’
‘Sometimes.’
‘Leave the boy alone Harry’ says Ray. ‘Lets play. Your turn’ he says to Liz and the game continues. I am completely baffled.

Voyage IV – Lucy

I couldn’t avoid them forever. I felt like I was letting them down somehow, which seems ridiculous in retrospect. I went through to the bar and ordered a half of lager and Ray came up beside me, as I knew he would. He called the barman over and said ‘Let me get you a proper drink’ and he ordered another Scotch for me. I protested quietly, but, as usual, I didn’t want to make a fuss. What was I afraid of? Rebelliously though, I held on to my lager.
During all this, a very elegant young woman with long black hair, a tight black ‘v’ neck jumper, and eyes I’ve always thought of as cat-like (although they’re not, in any literal sense, like a cat’s) came up to the bar near us, and reached over to say something to the barman. I couldn’t help noticing her breasts, which were quite big and plumped nicely on the polished wood as she spoke. Ray turned around and straightened his tie and, even I could see it, addressing her cleavage, asked what a nice girl like her was doing in a place like this. She observed him coolly for a moment, looked questioningly at me, and moved elegantly away. He turned around to face me, grinning saliverously and said ‘Later’. We headed back to the table. As it happened the woman was sitting with some other people at a table not far away from ours. She had her back to us and didn’t appear to notice us return. Ray cocked his thumb at them and did his appraising look. Harry looked over. ‘Dyke’ he said, and went back to his cards. ‘You in?’ he said to me and dealt me a hand. There was no point arguing. They’d been teaching me poker, and I was really trying to concentrate. It had been humiliating at first, despite the stakes being only bottle tops he’d got from the bar. The absence of money in the afterlife irked Ray and Harry deeply. As time had gone on though, I’d begun to win. I’d bluffed totally haphazardly as a kind of revolt, and won consistently. Then I started to lose on purpose to avoid upsetting them, but my acting stupid seemed to upset them even more. I’ve never been much of an actor, or maybe I was doing it on purpose. It was the first time I felt I’d been able to really get to them without them really knowing what to do about it.
‘So what’d you used to do?’ said Harry, finally, still, as usual, studying his cards. I wasn’t sure what to say. I wasn’t sure why, but the DIY shop was not something I wanted to talk about. I wasn’t a schoolboy any more. I wanted to say I was an artist. Finally he looked me in the face, his teeth oddly tight in his mouth. ‘Your job son. What’d you do?’ I looked briefly at Ray who looked worryingly gleeful. Everyone else was concentrating on their cards. I decided to come clean.
‘I worked in a DIY shop.’
‘Is that so?’ mused Harry, nodding, taking his time, rearranging his cards and proceeded to ask my opinion on aspects of joinery, plumbing and plastering, ostensibly to be friendly, in truth to make it clear to everyone that I knew fuck all about the subject, which I freely admitted once I realized I would soon be exposed as a fraud. I really didn’t care. The shop had just been a crappy Saturday job, but I could tell that it meant more to Harry and Ray. Like everything we talked about, this appeared to be some sort of test, and I knew I was failing again.
‘Actually, I heard you were some sort of an artiste’ he said, emphasizing the ‘tiste’ like it’s stuck in his teeth.
‘Well’ I said, ‘I’d like to...’
‘Uh-huh’ he continued ‘what do you do, draw? paint? sculpt?’
‘Er, well, I draw, and paint’ I said weakly. He was still looking at his cards.
‘And what’s the purpose of that may I ask?’ he said, without changing his voice or his posture, still rearranging those cards. Ray was smiling at him. Liz looked tensely at her knees. ‘Hey?’ he asked, a little louder. Silence.
‘You been to college I take it?’ he resumed.
‘No’, I said quietly.
‘You want to go to college?’
‘Maybe, one day...’
‘Waste of fucking time. Waste of fucking taxpayer’s money. See this?’ he rolled up his shirtsleeve and showed me his forearm. I didn’t know what I was supposed to be looking at. He stared intently at me, moved his red face toward mine ‘Forty five years.’ He sat back and pulled his sleeve down again. Then I saw him smile mischievously at Ray.
‘The thing is, Gabe, ...’ said Ray sincerely, also rearranging his cards, ‘The thing is, in the real world, you’ve got to learn how to play the game. No point poncing around.’
‘No point’ said Solly shaking his head. The women were just heads down, look at the cards.
‘You’re wasting your time son’ continued Harry. ‘Look at me – villa out in Gib, time I was thirty. You know how?’ I shook my head. He put his mouth near my ear. ‘Well let’s just say I wasn’t fucking painting’ and all three men laughed loudly, like they’d been waiting for that line. I had no idea what was going on.
Then the woman with the tight black top was there, behind them, facing me.
‘Why do you let these cretins talk to you like that?’ she said. Everything went quiet. Ray started giggling. She looked hard at him. ‘I know all about you’ she said ‘and you’ she added turning to Harry. That shut them up, which was interesting, but it didn’t last. ‘Give us a kiss love’ said Ray, and made a revolting slurping licking movement with his tongue, all around his chin and his lips. She smiled arrogantly and wiggled her little finger at them. Then she turned and went back to her table.
Ray, Solly, Liz, Brenda and Harry all began to play cards again. I looked at them. The silence at our table was broken regularly by the laughter from theirs. Everyone else in the bar had gone. Then her table all got up to go, and I said I was tired and got up to go too. No one said anything until I got to the door, but I didn’t hear what it was.

I didn’t talk to Ray and the others for a couple of days after that, but I ran into the woman in the tight top next morning. ‘What was that all about, last night?’ I asked as I walked along beside her.
‘Just a bit of fun’ she said.
‘What did you mean though, about knowing about them?’ We got to the cafeteria and were perusing the breakfast bar. She started loading her plate.
‘Nothing. I don’t know anything about them um...?’ she pointed at me, her face full of toast. ‘Gabriel’ I said. ‘Lucy’ she said putting the toast with the bite mark in it on her plate. ‘I just like messing about with those sorts. They’ve always got something to hide. It was a fair guess.’
‘I think you upset them. Mind if I join you?’
‘Fine’ she said indicating the seat opposite. Then two of the guys she had been with the previous night turned up and shoved in with their trays beside us. ‘Matt, Damian’ she said pointing at them. ‘Gabriel’ I said. They both shook my hand fiercely, but were more interested in their breakfasts. They both wore leather jackets, but Damian was a very skinny guy with a lot of earrings and spiky black hair, whereas Matt was more ordinary looking, like a mechanic or the bloke who worked in Albion Timber.
‘So...’ I continued, more self consciously now, ‘what do you guys do all day here?’
Damian shrugged and shovelled beans in his mouth.
‘Same as everyone here mate’ said Matt, ‘eat, drink, be merry...’
‘For tomorrow...’
‘Shit, too late!’ and they both fell about laughing for a while.

‘I hear you’re an artist’ says Damian tucking in, slurping his tea. I shrug and nod at the same time. ‘Cool’ he says. Lucy smiles at him over her coffee cup. He grins and nods. I want to talk to them more but it feels awkward. I see Ray, Solly and Brenda go past. They pretend not to see me. That cheers me up and worries me in quick succession.
Finally Matt goes to leave. ‘Gotta practice’ he says. ‘Guitar’ he adds, miming a low-slung guitar. ‘Cool’ I say. I want to ask if I can come and listen but it doesn’t seem to be an invitation. Damian and Lucy also get up to go and I tag along, up onto the deck, look out to sea.
‘Look here’ says Lucy, finally, turning to me. She waves Damian away with an affectionate smile. He smiles back and saunters off whistling. There are gulls all around him. ‘Look here Gabriel, (That’s a really pretty name by the way), you’re a lovely lad but please don’t think of getting attached to me.’
‘What?’ I feel like I’ve just been hit in the face with a cold wet pillow. ‘I wasn’t, I know... I was just...’
‘Last night wasn’t about you. I just like to see their faces’ and she begins to walk away. I stand there wondering what just happened. She turns around. ‘How old were you by the way, when you died?’
‘Eighteen.’
‘Ok now, a word to the wise – don’t tell anyone else.’
‘What? Why not?’
‘You haven’t twigged yet have you?’ She looks exasperatedly at me. ‘No one here is the age they look. Ask your guide. Here you look the age you were when you were at your best in life, however they calculate that. Christ! Imagine if everyone looked the way they did when they died! Wouldn’t that be a horror show? But anyway, people make a lot of assumptions about a person by their age, who’s in charge for instance, who they can boss around and abuse. They think you’re a child, they’ll treat you like a child.’
I think about this.
‘Oh, and, ever wonder why they like having you around so much?’
I realize suddenly I haven’t the faintest idea.
‘Like I said, you’re a gorgeous lad, but don’t bother me ‘til you’ve grown a pair. I mean it’ and she blows me a kiss and strolls off to be with Damian.
I don’t know what she’s getting at. I don’t even like pears.
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Voyage II – Poker

I make my way back to the bar, head oddly empty yet under pressure. I feel the need to keep the news out of it for a while. On the way, I’m cornered by Ray. He has another whiskey for me. It’s really not what I want, but I don’t want to cause a fuss. It’s not that I don’t like alcohol but it always seems like it means a lot to them and I don’t know why. I don’t like the way they watch me drink, or the way they seem so pleased about it when I finish one, like it’s a big achievement, like I’m in their club suddenly. Ray takes me back to their table and sits me down. Solly smiles indulgently at me and cocks his head, dealing me the cards. ‘So now you know’ he says.
‘You’ll be fine’ says Ray, and he nudges me and points at the shot glass and winks at me. Brenda whispers to Solly and points at me with her eyes. ‘Do you want something to go with that?’ he asks, nodding at my glass. I feel increasingly on edge. ‘No, it’s fine’ I say quickly. I don’t much like whiskey, but I can’t stand it watered down. They seem to be waiting for something more from me. I try to relax. I look around.
The lounge is a low, broad room with portholes along both sides. It’s dark with stained old wood and a threadbare, blood coloured carpet. There’s a gentle swell. Seasickness has never been a problem for me (although I’ll always feel like throwing up on a bus if I try to read). ‘Do you feel sick love?’ asks Brenda in a soft motherly voice. Part of me wants to fall against her and sob, but that makeup is just too off-putting. I say I’m ok thanks and look at what they’re doing. Ray tells me it’s my turn. I turn my cards over.
‘What are you playing?’ I say. No one answers. Ray raises his eyebrows and huffs. It’s poker apparently, Brenda informs me, implying that it should have been obvious. So they look at me, expectantly.
‘Go on then’ says Harry.
‘I don’t know the...er...how to...’ I say, ashamed.
‘Well what can you play?’ says Ray finally. I can’t answer. I don’t play card games really.
‘Pontoon?’ I say with sudden inspiration. Harry looks like I’m beneath contempt but Ray smiles at me indulgently and winks at Solly. Brenda pats my knee.
I get through a few hands. I can concentrate for the first couple and I do ok, but then my mind wanders. Harry sneers contemptuously when I have to be reminded it’s my turn for a second time. He’s a big bloke, very red around the nose, and his little blue eyes twinkle like crushed marbles. The other woman, Liz is leaning on him, sharing his cigarettes, whispering things in his ear in a floppy sort of way. He just shrugs or ignores her. Her dress is too loose. I can see too much of her chest, which is bony and yellowish but hard to ignore. I look away, but Ray has noticed my reaction and winks again, as if it must be some sort of big treat for me. I concentrate on my cards.
‘So, Gabe...’ says Ray suddenly, rearranging his hand ‘did you have a girlfriend, you know, back... in life?’
I look at my cards. ‘No’ I say. My face is burning up suddenly.
‘Playing the field huh? Best way, chap your age, best not to tie yourself down too soon eh Sol?’ Solly smiles suggestively at his cards.
‘Maybe he doesn’t like girls’ says Brenda, smiling soppily at me again and pats my knee again. Harry laughs dirtily and lays his cards down.
‘Course he likes girls’ says Ray conspiratorially. ‘Don’t pay any attention son’ and he winks at me meaningfully. ‘Plenty of time’ he adds. I have no idea what he’s on about but I smile back.
‘Better off single, ain’t he girl...’ says Harry to Liz, elbowing her in the ribs. She smiles girlishly at me and then looks shyly down at her hands. The effect is a bit weird on a woman her age, and makes me uncomfortable.
‘Still,’ he continues, taking a drink, ‘we’ve done alright, haven’t we girl. Done rather nicely...’ he muses. ‘Another hand gents?’ We all nod. He begins to deal. ‘Left them all well provided for... Becky and the littl’uns...’ Liz’s eyes quite suddenly brim with tears and she gives Harry a little punch in the ribs. His response is shocking and explosive and ends in her walking, as fast as she can in those shoes, holding back her tears, to the bathroom. Ray looks cheerfully around at the room to see the reaction ‘Phew’ he says, loudly, but very few people seem to be looking at us. He seems vaguely disappointed. When Liz gets back Harry sends her up to the bar with a loud smack on the arse. ‘She’s a good girl really’ he says. Ray smiles at him.
‘Would you believe it?’ says Harry to me loudly, unexpectedly putting his head close to mine, still rearranging his hand ‘Been together twenty five years. Who’d have believed we’d be together in the afterlife as well. Road accident it was, A272 eastbound, just outside Hayward’s Heath, fucking moron in a van not looking where he was going, pulled right out in front of me, wham!’ he smacks his hands together loudly in my ear. ‘Me and Liz all over the shop. Right bloody mess, wasn’t it my love?’ he smiles up at her as she arrives with the drinks. She smiles, flinching like she expects a slap. ‘Stupid cow’ he mutters as she goes back to the bar for the rest. ‘Why didn’t you bring a tray?’ he yells after her. ‘Til death do us part...’ I hear him mutter as he lays a couple of cards on the table. I’ve gained another whiskey and I’ve hardly touched the first. ‘Come on lad, you’ve got a bit of catching up to do’ says Solly pointing at them. I take another sip, but he looks at me doubtfully. ‘Leave the lad alone’ says Brenda. I really want to go. I want to go up on deck, get some air, maybe have a bath, maybe go to bed. It’s getting dark outside. Solly reminds me it’s my go again. I force myself to look at the cards. I lay my hand and am beaten again. They act like I’m not very bright but I just feel tired.
‘What do you - sorry - did you drive?’ continues Harry.
‘Nothing’ I say under my breath. I hadn’t taken my test, hadn’t even taken any lessons. I can’t tell them that.
‘He’s probably a bit young yet’ says Solly
‘Got my first car at sixteen’ says Harry. He sings something about a man not being a man if he’s got a ticket in his hand and raises an eyebrow meaningfully. ‘Know what I mean?’ I smile weakly. I can think of several things he might mean and they all make me uncomfortable.
‘Leave him alone’ says Brenda. ‘He’s young. Don’t know what you do want yet, do you love.’
‘Too late now then isn’t it’ says Solly.
‘It’s never too late’ she says and her hand grips my thigh and she winks at me.
I sit for as long as I can stand it then go to stand up. ‘I’m going to have to go, I don’t feel well’ I say, as casually as possible.
‘Don’t forget your drinks’ says Ray.
‘No, mustn’t forget that’ says Solly. I down one and take the other with me. Brenda insists on gripping my hand and giving me a ‘good night kiss’. She kisses me on the lips, producing delighted jeers from all, and then lets me go. I turn, wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and head for the stairs.

Up on the deck the wind is screaming in the ropes, and the wave tops are edged with bitter white crests. I head for the prow and look around. I see a woman, maybe Brenda, appear at the head of the stairway, gathering her cardigan around her for warmth, but I stay out of sight and I see her shudder and go back down. White birds roll and soar in the air above. All I can hear is wind and waves and I walk on. To my surprise I notice a couple of the loungers are occupied. A lady looks up at me. I can only see her eyes and nose and a wisp of grey hair in the opening in the waterproof cocoon she is in, but she is beaming up at me. She looks back out to sea. ‘Good evening’ I say loudly over the storm. Three fingers appear by her nose and wriggle happily at me. I’m tempted to bring my sleeping bag up and join her but I need a proper bed tonight. I wave and head back down, carefully avoiding being seen from the bar.

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